


Book of Us

by AllHyuckLove



Series: The End and It's Firsts [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Coping, Diary/Journal, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It's not too sad i promise, M/M, Mark is dead, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Past three are past-tense though, Recovery, Therapy, no romanticizing of death, or bad mental health, renjun watches over hyuck, this is how hyuck recovers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:35:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26688268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllHyuckLove/pseuds/AllHyuckLove
Summary: After Mark's funeral time passes and everyone begins to heal except Donghyuck. This is about the firsts after a loss.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Series: The End and It's Firsts [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1786390
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	Book of Us

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I've been itching to post but never finished. So, I'm making it chaptered. Now, sit tight and be patient with me?

“You should write in this, call it a diary if you want to. I’m giving you this because I don’t believe talking is as effective if you can’t express your feelings to yourself first. So, for the next four months, you should write down all your thoughts, dreams, feelings, etc. and read them out loud afterward. Okay?” 

Dr. Kim pushed the diary towards the boy. Donghyuck had doubt lathered on his face as he asks.

“Will this help me?” 

“I don’t want to waste our time, Donghyuck, healing already takes long,” He adjusted in his seat before Donghyuck blurted-“Okay, well, it’s four, so goodbye.”-He grabbed the diary and pushed his chair backward, making a screeching echo through the spacious room. His shoes clack as his legs carry him to a familiar place. He stops in front of a door, his fingers brushing the rusty surface of the handle. With a push, it opens, and a breeze brushes his skin. Donghyuck takes a deep breath, his eyes flutter shut, and he whispers, “The air is always sweeter up here, like chocolate.”

The bronze glow of his skin, the playful winds in his black hair, and the glisten of his smile painted the perfect picture.

”I should write while I’m up here,” Donghyuck opened the maroon book and smoothed the nonexistent creases on the book. His eyes traveled the page, and there was a little note sat on the bottom of the first page.  **‘** _ I hope all goes well for you!!!’ _ A small grin broke out until he felt his pockets and noticed he had forgotten a pen. His eyes shut and brows furrowed causing a scowl to spread throughout his face, “I always ruin things for myself.”

An exasperated sigh left his weighted chest. Donghyuck’s palm pressed against the cold gravel while he leaned backward, feeling the air push through his sweater. 

⋆﹥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━﹤⋆

Donghyuck pushed in the silver key and walked inside. He looked to the couch to see Jaemin and Jeno jumping away from each other. Donghyuck felt a pang in his heart. He’s told everyone they didn’t have to walk on eggshells around him anymore. He sighed and took off his shoes, waiting to speak from his heart. 

“You guys know I hate secrets. You also know it’s okay, right?” The two had never been so confused in their lives.

“It’s okay to be together. It hurts me more to see you guys trying to avoid me to be happy. It’s fine, and we’re going to have firsts. The first smile after Mark. The first laugh after Mark.”-Every sentence made Jeno and Jaemin sink further into themselves.- “The first love after Mark. The first relationship.” Those sentences made them feel worse for Donghyuck, and for a moment, they almost pitied him.

“What I’m saying is, it’s okay to fall in love. I’m happy to see you guys so lively for once. It’s refreshing. It makes me feel some form of serendipity.” Donghyuck finally lifted his head, and tears glistened on his cheeks as his smile shined bright. He walked into his kitchen and began to rummage through the nothing in his fridge.

“Also, if you’re going to make out, can you not do it in THIS apartment.” He giggled and nervously so did they as they hurried out of the room. Donghyuck sighed and laid onto the couch, stomach rumbling.

“I’m a dumbass, but gosh, they’re worse,” Donghyuck stared at the ceiling, slowly dissociating, his world disappearing into black and white. The sounds of the empty home faded into ambient noise, and recollections of months ago played like a movie. 

_ “Mark! Stop it!”- Donghyuck said through a fit of giggles, back falling over the couch.-“You’re such an idiot.”, “Yeah, your idiot, Hyuck, your idiot.” _

_ Mark held Donghyuck’s face in his hands, tilting his face towards his own, making eye contact. His fingers brushed against the fringe behind Donghyuck’s ears, and their eyes locked with intensity like no other.  _

_ “You’re so beautiful. What’d I do to get such an angel in my life?” Mark whispered; as if they were the only people in the world. _

He shed tears unknowingly; the memory consuming him whole. _I miss him so much._ This is the only thought in his mind when he sits alone with the silence. The only one he hears in the crowd of a party. _If I knew it would be the last time, I would've broke my heart in two, tryna save a part of you._ Donghyuck felt a pang in his chest remembering how great it felt to have Mark in his arms and his body close. _Don't wanna feel another touch. Don't wanna start another fire._

Donghyuck hands’ took a hard grasp at his shirt and arms causing him to wince. A knot built up in his throat, suffocating him.  _ Don't wanna give my heart away to another stranger. Or let another day begin.  _ Sobs take over his body and Donghyuck can feel him losing himself to the moment. 

_ “Hyuck! Look it’s Ursa Major!”-Mark’s eyes sparkled brighter than the constellation he looked upon as he smiled.-“It’s breathtaking, like you. A grand dream that takes me years to wake up from.” _

_ Mark’s eyes slowly leave the sky and find their way to Donghyuck’s, a bashful smile tugged at his cheeks. Donghyuck takes this moment of silence as a reason to pull Mark close and lay a kiss on his forehead. _

_ ”Here, lay down on my lap, I want your back to rest. Now, you can look at the stars and my sexy ass face,” Mark giggles at that and lays down as Donghyuck asked, feeling comfort when he plays with his hair.  _

The memories had virtually devoured him, ready to make him spiral down a rabbit hole. That is before Johnny is pounding on his door despite having a key to the home. Donghyuck gasps for air, sitting up abruptly. His eyes searching the room, landing on the door, sweat covering his forehead. His legs could scantily hold him up as he walked to get a glass of water. Johnny banging on his door once more before the sound of key dangling could be heard.  The faucet made a clunk when the water ricocheted off the basin. Johnny made his way inside the solemn home, a worried sigh leaving his mouth as he gazed at his friend from the door.

“Now you see why I wanted you to get a roommate? It’s not to replace Mark’s presence but for you to have someone to distract you from your thoughts, someone to pull you out of the hole you dig for yourself.”

Donghyuck swallowed his water pain spreading through his neck as the water forced itself down. His eyes were beet-red and he looked like he suffered one of the toughest winters with nothing but his clothes. Johnny could see that and most of all he could hear it when Donghyuck began to talk.

“I told you, I don’t want it. The thought of someone sleeping in  **his** room, removing  **his** scent and replacing  **his** stuff with theirs, is sickening.”

“Then trade rooms.  **You** sleep in his room,  **you** remove his stuff, and  **you** replace his scent.”

“I don’t think I’m ready to get rid of any of it, but the idea isn’t bad. The thing is though, who would I even have to stay here? Jaemin and Jeno are too far in each other’s pants for one of them to stay and they sure as hell can‘t both stay.”

Johnny closed his eyes, dropping his head to look at his feet; feeling tired with Donghyuck’s excuses, but letting him continue.

“Chenle and Jisung are doing god knows what abroad. Renjun is here, but he seems happy and I don’t want to rain on his parade,” Johnny walked towards Donghyuck lifting his chin with his knuckle before educating him.

“Notice how you said seems, no one is perfectly okay, Hyuck, they’re just hiding it. So, go call him, call Renjun and you’ll find that the weight will become a little lighter.”


End file.
